Three Little Pigs Experience Home Buying

     There once was a pale white fuzzy pig named Moon. He had two brothers, Sim and Parnassus, and all of them were dissatisfied with farm life. They found it incredibly boring wallowing around in the mud and all. They wanted something better, more civilized, clean, and maybe even, separate living quarters. It was all a dream until one day, a miracle occurred. A burgundy duffle bag appeared at the side of the fence. Parnassus dragged the duffel bag roughly under the lowest board in the fence. Opening it they saw all sorts of things: shirts, socks, Monopoly and a canvas bag. Sim took the canvas bag out and nudged the drawstring top open; it was laden with green dollar bills. The pigs rejoiced at the sight of the money; their dreams were finally becoming reality.

     Two days later they left the farm. They issued their goodbyes and received farewells in return. It was bittersweet and short. The trio's trek in search of clean, separated housing was difficult at first. They tried to find realtors who would sell to pigs, but it was rather near impossible. One day, they saw a billboard advertisement for “No Shame Realty”; they took the entire encounter as a sign that they’d achieve their dream. Soon after calling the number under the name of the realtor, they were all set up with their individual appointments.

     Parnassus was up first. He didn't have many expectations other than a few walls and a roof, so he had no issues with taking everything and anything he got. The realtor showed him a house made of straw. Parnassus bought the house. Quickly he moved in and soon he was but a happy pig.

     Next it was Sim’s turn, and he had slightly better standards. Although there was a slight issue, he was cheap, likely too cheap for his own good. He discussed this issue of cost with the realtor. Sim was offered an inexpensive house made of sticks. Sim bought it and moved in.

     Lastly, it was finally Moon’s turn. He thought out everything he wanted in his house, from the furniture to the light fixtures. He wanted everything to be perfect; he didn’t care about pricing or anything like that, just the joys of separate living quarters. The only thing that he really worried about was longevity and durability. Moon took this concern up with the realtor and was offered a house made of solid, durable, brick. Moon paid the realtor his amount for the house and quickly moved in.

     The three pigs were happy at last in their residences. Each was satisfied with the choice he’d made. That was, until the neighborhood wolf came around. The wolf, who was fond of pork, had seen the pigs move in down the street, and he became intrigued. He wondered what they would taste like. Would they be fatty? Lean? Juicy? The humanity! The wolf began to plot a scheme to somehow consume the three little pigs, somehow. All the while that was happening, the pigs were zhuzhing up their residences. They’d ordered various appliances, furniture, and fixtures to add to their homes. Unfortunately for them, the wolf saw all their orders piling up at their door steps and decided to take advantage of this happening. 

     It was the next day when the wolf put his half baked plan into action. He’d bought a gray polo and brown pants to try and sell the fact that he was a purported FedEx employee. The wolf walked up to Parnassus’ house first with empty boxes in hand and knocked on the door, yelling enthusiastically, “FedEx, got some packages for you. Just open the door, please.”

     Parnassus immediately became suspicious of this apparent, potentially underpaid, oddly vocal package delivery man. So suspicious, in fact, that he grabbed one of his new terrazzo planters and slowly crept his way up to the front door, fearfully taking the door handle in hoof. The wolf was completely caught off guard when the composite glass-concrete planter came down on his snout, which left him absolutely bloody and unable to smell anything. Parnassus ran off in fear to Sim’s place while the wolf was still splayed out on the front step of the straw house.

     “So this is how you want to play, huh,” the wolf mumbled to himself. “I can play the game too.”

     Slowly, the wolf staggered to his feet, took in a large breath, straightened his back, and exhaled; within the next second, the straw house was gone. Parnassus turned to see his house completely wiped off the face of the Earth, reduced to nothing but a simple pile of straw. Parnassus wept all the way to Sim’s house.  All the while, the wolf stood over the pile in triumph. 

     Sim was relaxing within the confines of his illustrious, sickly version of a log cabin. And without much warning, there was a sudden desperate rapping on his front door. He opened the door and was greeted by a sobbing, weeping Parnassus; there was much drinking of water done after that. After much blubbering out the details as to what had happened recently, Sim tried to surmise his brother’s words.

     “So you’re telling me that there’s a neighborhood predator who just tried to eat you. And you smashed an expensive pot over the guy’s snout. Then you saw bone?” 

     “Yes,” Parnassus managed to answer. “Just like that.”

     As soon as those very words were uttered, there came a series of knocks from the door. The brothers looked at each other with much fear and tension. Sim carefully trotted over to the door and looked through the peephole; it was the bloody wolf. Sim backed away from the door and pointed toward the back door to signal his and his brother’s escape route. Parnassus and Sim were halfway to the door when they heard the wolf take in the inhale of destruction; they took it as their sign to book it out of there. Again, the wolf destroyed another residence, with two pigs on the loose this time.

     Moon was chilling on his couch when he heard frantic rapping on his front door. He was very surprised when he opened the door to see his brothers. Both pigs explained what had just happened to the both of them. Moon took everything in and decided to put an end to this madness. After a little rooting around in the cardboard boxes he’d opened, Moon found the exact objects he was looking for, his new shower curtain rod and a can of paint. It took a bit of experimenting and alternatives in order to get the trap set right, but the hard work paid off; they had their very own home self defense system. All they had to do was wait for the wolf, and wait long they didn’t have to; the wolf showed up right on time. 

     “Come on out,” the wolf said. “There’s no use hiding.”

     At that the pigs pulled the door handle, triggering the paint can to launch off of a ledge and right into the wolf’s head. This effectively knocked the wolf out quite cold, so cold they had to drag him out into the street and then call the cops.